maybe this is payback

he lies

yet i still want him with intention

like a newborn wants a bottle

or a cook wants a stove

or cop wants his pension

i can’t seem to stop loving this… charade

i‘ve invested so much into this dream of a man i’ve made

i’m addicted i’m afraid

to an evil worshipping warrior/ heartbroken renegade

he counts each call i did not make

each promise to God that i had to break

each night i would not take

him

into my nurturing place

he’d push off my body and leave behind this cold, cold empty image of a face

for me to feel uncomfortable underneath

though he cuddled my breast

back to him, eyes open, feeling his chest,

heart beating, aloud, searching for

rest

sometimes i think i will never get any good

sense,

will

or power-

authority

strong enough to

cast him into his reprieve

you cannot know how i wanted him and cleaved and cleaved

it is me who

will not allow him to leave

me

alone

every new lie he tells is old, but i still believe

foolish- i believe,

i believe

and he cannot conceive

the anguish he’s birthed

the stress i’ve assumed

injected in the womb

i pray i don’t always,

always have to play a fool that is consumed

lie in the room

feeling embarrassed

about my state of

emp-ti-ness

i am always the pair playing with one less

though my companion is right there

who knew i’d love a man that would not,

could not

care

the whole time i am poured out like Shultz from an aluminum can and a brown paper bag

like the mom who can’t recall what she says so she nags and she nags

i’ve suddenly forgotten- i have no clue

i am absolutely at a lost with what i was called to do

more precious than rubies, diamonds and gems

why was i still there,

why was i still lying next to him…

then it hits me, like a high chokes a smoker

slow and easy, smooth and breezy,

i am positive

i have so much love to give

so many days i wanted to cook, clean and sacrifice for someone else to…

live

i have an immense heart that becomes even more immense

when dispens-ing

care

an endless womb that is damaged

and

bare

there…

i said it

i have so much love bubbling over to

share

and i know he lies…

i know he does not change, he does not grow

i know he hurts the love i desire to show

maybe this is payback for the relationships i watched myself blow

but i cannot,

can not

i want to,

but i’ve never

let him go.